This is NOT a JOKE: White Men Must Now Earn My Respect.

This is not a joke.

The following people walk into a coffee shop:
A white man, well dressed and handsome. Ivy League educated.
A black man in a hoodie.
A punked out teenage girl with dreads.
A female jewish rabbi with a brush cut.
A gorgeous Brazilian woman (This is my stereotype. I’ve yet to meet a Brazilian woman who is not gorgeous).
A white teenage girl, nondescript, shy.
A white teenage boy, nondescript.
A Hispanic teenage boy wearing a football jersey.
An imam (Muslim minister), wearing his clerical dress.
A six foot-two transgendered woman.
A white female minister who is a rabid feminist (yes that’s me).

Who is likely to kill everyone in the coffee shop with a gun? Yep, one of the white men. Statistically, when it comes to mass murder in America, white men are disproportionately  responsible. You can read proof of this assertion here.

Who is most likely to be a sexual assailant? I don’t think I need to even answer that one for you, but just in case you are confused: any man in the coffee shop. Any man could assault any woman. This DOES NOT mean all the men will, or any man will. Yet we cannot ignore that 1 in 3 women in America are sexually assaulted or raped by a man in their lifetime. Who could be sexually assaulted? Any woman in the coffee shop. Any woman. Sexual assault has nothing to do with looks. It has to do with power. Predators often prey upon the “nondescript shy girl” because she seems the least powerful. In addition, the teenage boy could be assaulted due to his less powerful position. Transgender and queer folks report an even higher percentage of sexual assault than straight women. Let that sink in.

Who is likely to start a physical fight? The Rabbi and Imam? Nope. In fact, if they are working hard for peace like many religious leaders in this country, they might be really pleased to find themselves in a coffee shop together, the common cup of java between them. After what we saw during Brett Kavanagh’s confirmation hearing, I would venture to guess in this America First Culture that the most likely person to start a fight is the ivy-league-educated, well dressed white man. Especially if he’s had some beer, because he really likes beer. He might become really angry when he discovers he can’t be the first in line, or that his barista doesn’t speak perfect English, or that the man with the hoodie needs to use the bathroom. Who knows, maybe he’ll be really belligerent when he discovers that it’s a coffee house, not a bar, with no  beer on tap. Because you know, he really likes beer. And he’ll certainly think it is his prerogative to interrupt and belittle you whenever he gets the chance because he has always been in power. Always. He has no idea there is any other way to act because all of his life everyone has listened, cleared the way, and honored his power.

If I were in that coffee shop, I would be most afraid of the white man.

Hopefully, in my recent I-am-so-angry state, I wouldn’t pick a fight with him.

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Everything I just wrote is hypothetical. It relies heavily on stereotypes, assumes many things, and places everyone in simplified categories. But it also makes a point, doesn’t it?

The “old bulls,” as Dan Rather named them, have been in control from the beginning of this country’s inception. They don’t want to lose their power, so they are spinning alternative realities to match alternative facts that attest they are the ones oppressed. They are not going to give up their power without an epic battle.  That’s why, after the Kavanaugh hearings, Republicans reported a spike in contributions. That is also why they are crying wolf.

The old bulls are unwilling to look seriously at how power has eaten away at their moral center. Yet some white men are willing to converse, are willing to consider the painful stereotypes I imagined in the coffee shop.

But are they truly white men, if they are willing to move beyond their tribal identity and join the rest of our melting pot beauty, where we all enter a coffee shop on equal footing?  

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After Kavanaugh's hearing, it has became apparent to me that the old bulls are unwilling to look critically at their behavior or the way that power and privilege has corrupted their souls.

In response, I have developed a new personal strategy: White men can no longer assume my respect; they must earn it. Everytime.

Everytime.

Imagine if white men had to earn our respect instead of assuming they already have it? Suppose they had to serve their way into responsibility, instead of ruling their way into power?

I’m serious.

Think about it.

What if when that well dressed, Ivy league educated white man walked into the coffee house, he worked hard to win everyone’s respect? What if he was gracious, patient, and engaged with his community around him? What if he gave a large tip to the barista since he makes the most money? (BTW, men do tend to be better tippers than women). What if he let the quiet shy girl cut in front of him? What if he talked about “the game” or even the weather or the coffee with everyone else in line or at tables, especially those folks around him who have been inculturated to feel like his subordinate? What would happen then?

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As a young, female minister, I had to earn the respect of my male colleagues and the congregations I served. This was sometimes unjust and other times appropriate.

As a twenty five year old candidate for ordination I had to answer questions my male colleagues didn’t: How do you plan on being a mother and pastor? I also had to endure critiques about my high voice (give me a break) and misplaced guidance about how as a young woman I should really be an associate pastor for families and youth (spare me). I even had to manage my looks: What should I wear on a Sunday morning under that robe? Thank you for your well wishes, but no, you can’t tell me you like my legs(!). This balancing act, always wondering just what I could say and how I could act in a way still authentic to myself, while also winning the approval of those who granted me my authority was exhausting. I am certain my male white colleagues were not under such pressure.

Appropriately, as a newly ordained minister, I also had to earn my stripes. This took thoughtful and meaningful attention to my job. With each interaction, I earned my beloved parishioners trust as I visited in hospitals, taught confirmation classes, showed up at fall clean up day, and preached. This earnest attention, although at times exhausting, was also life giving. I was living into my call as a pastor. I misstepped, soared, learned, changed, goofed, and grew. In the end, I earned my stripes, solely because the majority of people I served respected me as their pastor and trusted me as a person.

I do not, and will never, take this respect lightly. In fact, it is an abiding blessing that sustains me in my work. Just as I am certain my male colleagues never had to pay attention to their clothes nor answer questions about the pitch of their voice, I am also certain, like me, they had to earn the trust and respect of their congregations. I have a hunch it was easier for them. They wore suits on Sunday. Their voices were naturally deeper. They had potential, whereas I was a wild card. But still, I know my dear male colleagues worked hard to earn their stripes too. I have many “white male” colleagues whom I deeply admire and know for a fact worked hard to shed stereotypes about “male ministers” that often created harmful barriers between themselves and their congregations.

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What if white men, like every young female on the planet,  had to earn our respect first instead of stampeding through our common spaces like the old bulls they are? What if they saw themselves not as entitled to power, but instead as one of many called to share in the creation of a just and equal society? What if they had to, like I had to as a young minister, earn the trust and respect of others with whom they shared this country?

For this angry female minister, it’s over. You old bulls don’t automatically have my respect any longer. You have to earn it. So start working. And if you don’t care, that’s okay. We will be voting you out. We will stop buying from your companies, because there are more of us than there are of you. You are OLD bulls. A whole new herd is moving in.

If you do care, welcome to this beautiful community called America. Because here, in the real America, we, all of us--men, women, white, black, brown, gay, straight, religious, atheist, rich, poor, LGBTQ+, straight, educated or not--together, we are building a democracy.

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