Restorative Justice & #MeToo

My high school dean silenced me as a 17 year old girl with the exact words, “We already know what you think.” I had gathered a group of female classmates to tell her that the physics teacher was raping our classmate. She was annoyed with me, troublemaker that I am. You can learn more of my story in this blog. When the truth of my allegations came out 30 years later, after an extensive investigation by a law firm, she lost her job at my high school. There had been a culture of abuse, the law firm determined, and the dean had been complicit, so the school let her go.abbyhenrich.weebly.com/community/archives/10-2017 

She was immediately hired at a prestigious college. 

What is the way forward after #MeToo? Should my dean’s career be ruined indefinitely for what she said to me 25 years ago and for her complicity in a culture of abuse and her willful denial? Or should she be forgiven and allowed to continue her work in education? These questions are important: How we heal as individuals and as a society is the significant work before us in this new #MeToo world.  

Let me begin by telling you what is NOT helpful in this healing process:

• “You need to move on.” No joke. I wish I could. I have longed to leave Nichols behind me since I graduated over 25 years ago, but it has not been possible. Trauma leaves an imprint on your brain that you cannot simply leave behind. I’m working on it. Truly. But it is not as easy as deciding I’m done with that chapter in my life. It still haunts me in very unhealthy ways.
• “You need to work on forgiveness.” As someone who has devoted my life to following a guy named Jesus, I am fully committed to forgiveness. Forgiveness is a process that involves two parties. No one has yet said I am sorry. No one. Not one teacher or administrator who was involved has said, “I am sorry.” That makes it a lot harder to forgive.
• “Things are better now.” “It’s a different place.” Yes, I think things are better for my youth and my kids in 2020. I even believe that the culture at my high school has changed. I think we can be proud of that progress without ignoring the very real traumatic experiences of the past. There is a way forward without denying the past. 

What IS helpful? I can only answer this question from my very individual perspective. 

Recently I have been learning about restorative justice as an alternative to our criminal justice system. At the heart of restorative justice is the involvement of the victim. If someone were to ask me what would restore justice to me after the #MeToo experience I endured at Nichols, I believe I have a clear answer:

• My dean and the upper school headmaster at the time, would sit down with me. I’m not sure who else I would need in the room. My guess would be my beloved husband or maybe my bff from Nichols, Leila. If they needed their lawyers, they could come, but I would prefer no lawyers. If they needed assurance that everything was off the record, I would gladly grant that to them. I would want them to hear from me the pain they caused me, the impact they have had on my life. 
• I also need them to say “I am sorry.” Just “I am sorry.” Period. To that I promise you I would gladly say, “I forgive you,” and mean it. How else could we possibly move forward without those words spoken?
• Would I want money for my therapy co-pays? I don’t think so, but maybe I would want some money to be given to a nonprofit that supports victims of sexual abuse. But how would I come up with a dollar figure? I have no clear answer to this question. I mention this only because many people seek real financial restorative justice. This makes sense to me. I am not morally superior to these victims; I am simply financially secure. 

That’s it. Face to face listening and an apology. From my perspective this is a simple request. Would it be emotionally exhausting? Yes. Would they be incredibly brave to do it? Yes. Without question. Would it be worth it? I deeply believe it would be. There is no way forward without reconciliation. Reconciliation takes telling and listening. It takes acknowledging pain, asking for forgiveness and offering forgiveness.  It takes facing the past together and looking forward to a future. It takes collectively struggling for a new way. 

I also wonder if I were to come face to face with my dean and headmaster, if we could grieve together for the people we were, trapped in a terrible system. They might have been as trapped as I was and in need of just as much healing.  I refuse to accept that they are morally bankrupt humans. Instead, I would guess that both are deeply troubled by what happened and desire a way forward.

If I were granted an opportunity for restorative justice with my dean, how would that change my perception of her new position? If she was brave enough to engage with me in authentic conversation and listen with an open heart to my story, I would speak positively about her new beginning. I would remind others that we cannot judge someone solely on their past, and that together, as a community, we must move forward into this new #MeToo world bravely and honestly. Only this way can we create a world where everyone is safe.

This is the work of our community. It is not the work of an individual alone in therapy who is told too often to forgive, move on, and get over it. I do not know how this can happen without reconciliation. As the victim, I feel powerless. I am too aware that some do not want to hear me call myself a victim nor admit that I feel powerless, but there it is, my truth.  I am too worn out to do anymore of this work on my own. 

Who will the champion be?

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