Responding to a Traumatic Death 101

Recently our community lost a beloved member. It was traumatic in nature and unexpected. As a community, and individually as a pastor, we have learned much about grief and trauma. I want to offer a101 basic this-is-what-you-do-if-you-find-yourself-in-a-similiar-situation. I pray you don’t need it.

BEFORE ANYTHING ELSE:
If the body is in the home, call the police asap if you are there or not. The police are equipped to deal with these situations.

#1 Alert all the Professionals connected to the family/loved ones of the deceased:
Who might those be:
-General Practitioners, Pediatricians, Psychologists, etc You do not need for them to tell you anything, you are simply passing along information, so if anyone complains about HIPPA, ignore them. 
-Guidance Counselors for school aged children and youth
-Police if appropriate
-Social Worker if there is one
With each and everyone of these professionals use the word traumatic death. 

#2 Help the family make immediate arrangements. 
What does this entail?
-Hire a trusted funeral director. If you don’t know who that might be in the area, call a local church. All churches have relationships with their local funeral directors. 
-Use the words traumatic death with the funeral director. The funeral director is a professional and will understand the care needed.
-Enlist community support to pay for the funeral expenses.
-If any family member asks to see the body, strongly encourage them to wait, until they have spoken to a mental health professional. Often, in these times, seeing the deceased body is of little or no comfort. 
-When speaking with the family, acknowledge the horrible loss, weep with the weeping, remember with them, laugh when appropriate. Be helpful. Don’t be avoidant, but don’t be afraid to make small talk--you can’t talk about the tragedy all the time, sometimes you just end up talking about the weather. All the conversation is comforting. 

#3  Call family and friends of the deceased for the survivors. 
Often this is too difficult for those who have survived. Make it simple and brief: I am very sorry to tell you that x has died. When questions are asked, only offer what the family is comfortable sharing. No matter what, gorey details are NOT needed or appropriate. Yet also be honest and frank. Secrets are not helpful.
You can also send texts to preferal people because it is too much too call more than 20 people. The text again can be brief and to the point. Explain why you are texting simply by saying there are too many people to contact.
#4 Call a Mental Health Professional
Don’t know where to start, ask any mental health professional or medical doctor.
What you need from the Mental Health Professional:

1. Mental Health Care for the immediate unit that lives with the deceased
   
2. Mental Health Care for the larger community, such a church, synagogue, mosque, or temple, co-workers, neighbors, circle of friends and family, of the deceased. What does that look like: group sessions walking the larger community through what to expect individually and as a community after a traumatic death. In our case we worke with the Riverside Trauma Team. They led our church specifically around our particular grief/trauma and  then offered individual sessions afterwards and follow up care.
   
3. Mental Health Care for YOU, the community Leader/Leaders
   

#5 Practical Care
Practical Care makes a difference. For example, does the family have a dog? Can different people sign up to walk the dog for the first few weeks? Can folks come and help with dishes? Set up a meal train? These basic needs met is a reminder to those in shock and grief that life continues and that people will help them continue. Every meal received is a palpable reminder of God’s love.

#6 The Actual Funeral Service
-Ask professionals, such as social workers, clergy, and others who do not know the deceased, to come and observe. Why? Because people with fresh eyes who are not overwhelmed with grief need to observe the gathered community for those who might be in crisis. You will know best who these folks are.
-Create a table with all the stuff: tissues, water, life savers, mints, fidgets.
-Make sure someone is welcoming everyone at the door.
-If you are the religious leader and you were close to the deceased, ask your closest clergy friends to help you lead the service. This is imperative even if you think you don’t need help. Trust me.
-Ask people in the community who are on the fringe and might not know the deceased as well just to come and bear witness, to help hold the pain for those grieving. This makes more of a difference than you can imagine.
-Make space for joy through a remembrance of pictures and or stories. If possible, gather with food. These “normal” moments are healing for many. Don’t be afraid to laugh. Trauma does not eclipse joy. 

#6 Love & Care in, Grief (Dump) Out.   
*See Image*
Imagine those who knew the deceased (or as the picture labels below the “sad or sick person”) creating concentric circles around them. Those closest emotionally, or whose lives were the most intertwined with the deceased, are in the inner circle, whereas others are further out, depending on their relationship. 
The idea is simple: as much love and comfort should move into the center of the circle helping to spread (or dump)the grief out. This does not mean that those who are grieving will all of a sudden be “grief free.” Instead the idea is that others help them hold the unbearable amount of grief they must process. As a community we found this concept very helpful to us as we envisioned just what it was we were doing.

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