Happy Mother’s Day . . . . or Happy Ignore Mother’s Day.

If you are like me you feel pretty conflicted about Mother’s Day.  

I am the mother of three. Just having them was complicated. Before they were born, I spent several Mother’s Days in tears, wishing I too was a mother receiving handmade gifts. You see, I am also the mother of three children I carried in my womb who never made it into my arms. 

My three beloved children who made it into the world are the greatest gifts I have ever received. I love them with every fiber of my being. They also undo me with joy, anger, and worry. Occasionally they leave me breathless, wondering how they became such exceptional humans. Then, the day after I am filled with admiration, I wonder if they are ever going to stop being so self-centered. Such is motherhood.

As a pastor, I have witnessed firsthand how complicated Mother’s Day can be for many. There are those who are motherless, those whose mothers should not be celebrated, and those mothers who find themselves grieving what they thought motherhood would be but is not. Just this week, I listened to one woman ask, choking back tears, “When will my mother ever listen to me?” Another individual was terrified that their mother would show up at their door. Terrified, because this mother only causes distress and anxiety. 

Mother’s Day is complicated. 

Recently a friend shared the following quote with me from Nicole Graev Lipson’s memoir, Mothers and Other Fictional Characters, “I've loved and given and toiled and grieved as a mother. I've run marathons that ended in new marathons, and then I've run onward until I've collapsed. I've tapped into reserves of energy I never knew existed, and I've siphoned away these reserves, drilling down deeper for more. I know I should rise above the challenges that come my way, for this is what mothers—the world's anointed absorbers of pain—must do. But I cannot rise above my son's fuck you.”

When I read Nicole Graev Lipson’s description of motherhood, I felt in my bones what she was describing. Motherhood has revealed my very best and worst self. I am also the daughter of a mother who ran many marathons and will keep running them for me if it would help. I have witnessed many moments where my mother’s best self was not present. Shocker! She wasn’t perfect.  And yet there are so many mothers and children who could never share the heights and depths of motherhood so freely because there are only depths. So many who have no idea that there are actually mothers who will do anything and everything it takes for their children. I know these adult children. Their scars are deep.

Mother’s Day is complicated. 

However you feel this Mother’s Day, please know: You are not alone.  If you are a mother who finds herself at the end of their rope or an adult who wonders why their mother never loved them, you are not alone.

We all deserve to be loved deeply and truly. In fact, we all need to be loved deeply and truly. 

PS: If you are struggling, maybe you need to ask someone to help you with laundry. Or maybe it’s bigger. Maybe you need to find someone you trust and speak all your pain. Take care of yourself.

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